me, myself and I

belakangan ini ... sebenernya sih nggak belakangan ini aja.... agak beberapa tahun belakangan ini...
orang mulai cemas sama diri gue....
tingkat sarkastisme gue meningkat (eh.. ada nggak sih arti kata ini?)
dan kecenderungan gue untuk menghilang dari 'peredaran' mulai terasa oleh orang2 yang suka beredar dengan gue....

saat orang mulai bertanya kenapa...
gue jadi pengen balik bertanya...
"kok kalian masih punya antusiasme?"

tawa rasanya begitu-begitu aja
sedih juga rasanya sama terus
bosen juga sami mawon...

gue ngerasa gue udah ngalamin semuanya...
tawa, airmata, tawa, bahagia, bersyukur dan segala macam emosi yang dapat ditawarkan oleh dunia...
trus apa lagi yang mau gue cari?

well.....
i'm done with life, i guess....
i like what i do..
i love me, rite now...
nggak ada yang mau gue rubah..
jadi ya udah...
i'm all set and done....

yummy mie...

entah kenapa gue suka banget sama makanan yang berasal dari daratan cina...
you name it, i love it!
salah satunya adalah mie ayam....
yum...yum....
bahkan gue sama adek gue berikrar mencari mie ayam terenak di daerah kami dan bikin list mengenai hal itu...
mmm.... nyobain hampir seluruh pedagang mie ayam di daerah kita, udah kita lain... yang belum adalah bikin daftarnya...rasanya ingin dan ingin .. tapi selalu lupa...

tapi hari ini enggak deh..
karena tadi siang gue makan mie ayam yang ada di dekat kantor gue...
dengan aroma menggoda dan tampang dari tempatnya yang menjanjikan kenikmatan gue melangkahkan kaki dengan pasti ke sana....

tapi ternyata oh ternyata...
enggak banget deh........
seharusnya gue udah curiga karena pelayannya bukan orang cina and tukang masaknya juga bukan... (ini selalu jadi standart gue en adek gue untuk memprediksi enak atau tidaknya sebuah mie ayam)
dan akhirnya gue dapatkan apa yang seharusnya menjadi ganjaran gue karena ndak percaya sama insting gue...
sebuah mie ayam yang dibawah standart...

mm...
besok2 gue seharusnya percaya kepada insting itu......

tes

tes.....

My Writting.....

I know that i can speak 2 language.
the problem is now that a person told me that i write better in English, not in my mother tounge... Indonesia. I feel kindda sad. Not because i feel insulted, but what that person told me.. is actually my worse nightmare come to life. .....

I secretly think that i write better when i'm using english as the means to write.. but never i acknowlegde it ouloud.. but when somebody notice it and say it in my face,....

was i in shock !!!!
i'm suppose 2 b a writer....
an indonesian writer, to be exact!
so when a comment like that came to my face...
i feel i'm not worthy of becoming one..

hiks2
guess i gotta start learning to write in Indonesia!
and boy, it's gotta be hard. coz sometime.. i feel indonesian word are too uptight and corny and most importantly too damn serious for my kindda writting.....

go figure !

masih

masih jakarta
masih cinta
masih tak ada jawaban
masih resah
masih rindu
masih aku


..... damn you, monday morning blue !

AUGH....

today, for no reason at all, every thing seems to crumble at the sight of ME !!!!
just not my day...
boy, a break is right just about now.....

although some great stuff happened, but i just can't shake the feeling that Doom is near...
hiks....

Ain't Life Funny

here's something that bothered my mind everytime i watch tele in my livingroom.
the news nowadays are talking about UAN.. (thats the final test for high school students--for those of you aren't Indonesian.. and for those of who have left school so long that you've forgotten all about it)

well, the problem arising now, is that they (the people not in general, but those who r effected by this problem) find out that lotsa students didn't pass the test.. and they (people--mostly people who didn't past) protest.. hehehe.. (whats new about that in Indonesia?) they say the test isn't right.. and they demand a re-test... coz some kid claim that she is smart and questioned why she didn't pass....

my questions are:
1. how come some kids pass (majority by the way).. if this test is not right?
(a caller in metro tv this morning recalled his high school year and said that he pass the UAN and so did his friend who didn't even attended school for 3 months.... ---the answer for me is easy.. the kid who didn't attend 3 month of school is smart!!!!!.. some people are sometimes are so full of him/herselves.... duh...)

2. what would happen to the kids who, after taking the new test, flunk again?

just few questions that roams around my head everytime i hear people talk about this,

just hate 'em

first off all i'm just wanna point out that deep down inside i'm a nationalist... you can see that my bones color are red and white (that's the Indonesia's flag for those of you that doesn't know)... but sometimes.... just sometimes... i just can't take how my people behave!!!
yesterday was a fine example why sometime i just had it up to my neck with this stupid indonesian behavior.
OK... before you all got a little tense by reading my on going ramble... i think i should give you the details.
Yesterday i had to go to a well known japanesse hotel for a seminar.i thought that it was gonna be another normal everyday job thing... but no..... today my fate lead me to a very rude security service at the hotel who --when asked where the diamond room for the seminar--put me aside and check me out as i'm not fit to be a fancy hotel and lets a lady (not malayu blodded like me past through and endangering my handphone as she dropped her hand bag on a plate where my phone is located---DAMN YOU LADY--- and by the way she is also attending the seminar i'm attending as i found out later)
OK.. maybe my day start out bad.... i thought what else could today bring me..... i should've hold my tounge!
coz this lady from the seminar committee thought i looked strange talking in bahasa Indonesia and with her look she just passed me by when i looked surprise to find i can't have the papers from the seminar (oh ya.. i'm a journalist.. fot those of you who are curious..)due to the fact i'm not a participant.. just a low life journalist... and by the way she gave 4 singaporean girl --that isn't really into the seminar-- the papers that i need to make my article !!!
I have to admit that after i asked again, that finally she gave me the papers.. but still with a reluctant look on her face....
OK maybe i haven't drank my first cup of coffee that morning.... but why do i still have the feeling that they don't respect me at all up until today?
well... i thought maybe she looked down on me coz she so damn smart and uses perfect english all her life...
BLAH... some people just wanna show off something that they don't have.. as i found out later !!!
in the seminar i also hear how a prof (indonesian that is) whines about how indonesia can't be compared to Singapore (the seminar mostl talks about singapore development in handling children with autism)... gosh !!!
we are what we are... and if you got to be a professor then you should be proud that someone with indonesian background got to be like you !!!!
we have accomplished alot.. PLEASE DON'T FORGET THAT !!!!!!
so why are these people's behaviour tick me off????
BECAUSE THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOUR IS COMMON IN INDONESIA!!!!!
indonesian worship foreigner!! they worship the ground that the foreign people walk on....
and the impact is? normal people like me got tossed aside coz i'm just a red blooded melayu who loves taking a ride on a bus-- OK this is not quite true this is due to the fact that i hate driving in jakarta's traffic---
DAMN... sometimes... i wish Indonesian just take prode on themself a little more... not kneeling down to the people from other country.
I know we have problems... I know that we're not perfect... but should know our own strenght and take pride in our self...
OK this is sounding more and more like an independence speech so i better stop when i haven't lost it...
guess that's all i have to say... 'INDONESIAN PLEASE BE PROUD !'

Alone....

funny how you think that you've got all the friends you need in the world...
then suddenly when you ask a simple urgent thing to 'em... they all looked at you with a big question mark in their faces and just stood there thinking that something that i just aske 'em aren't important enough for them to help out.....

it kindda make you think, why do i even bother being their friends.... sigh...

gosh, i'm too old to talk about friends rite now.. i should've talk about marriage, kids and pension plan.

but the one thing that bothers me rite now it's that label that you put on people to help you realize that you can count on 'em... that label that i've mark people with turns out to be misleading... gosh... was i ever so wrong...

the good thing that came out of this is that i got lotsa suprise when people --whom i didn't label 'friends' came to my rescue...

well the moral of this story it... (if you haven't been bored and still continued on reading to this part)....is that no human being can be labeled as friends, their just people who happened to know, meet and talk to you... don't count on them.... but if they help out once in awhile treasure their helping but don't think for a second that they will always help...

hahaha...
kindda cynical rite?
well, this thought came to me while drinking coffee, alone at a small resto....
so don't blame me.. blame it on the coffee (the drink for lonely and hard working women) and on loneliness.....

hahahah....

My Yogya...

something's gone from my yogya....
and i'm not talking about the lives gone and the building shattered...

something's within is gone
my yogya is vanished in the ruin of the quake
no more wise smile shed in the midst of chaos
no more prayers in the midst of poverty
no more crack ups in the midst of hunger...

my yogya is gone
the soul that brought me up
suddenly died in one shake of the earth

gosh...
maybe i should stop watching tv!

Goodbye's

rihsa, dije, me and ocha....
9 years and we still posses the same way in our pictures...

hahaha..
9 years of friendship really adds up...

looking at this pic i got to thinking bout goodbyes.
when would we (the four of us) say our goodbye..
or are we going to simply vanish without saying the word...

i recalled a french movie talking about death it's called 'the sea'
a 2 hour movie simply talking about goodbye...
good byes are hard...

i know so..
coz i've dealt with a good deal of g'bye in my life..
the memory of my first real goodbye still stayed in my head.
walking away from the classroom door looking at the first true friend i made in life,
knowing that i won't be able to see him forever.
boy that's hard..
and after that every goodbye i made is less dramatic....

no more thinking about what will happen next or
what would happen to the person i said gbye to...
goodbye in my book after that only means goodbye and so long...
maturity does wonder to the heart..
no more crying in my pillow at night wishing things could turn out the other way around...

goodbyes mean finish.. the end... and new story....
damn...
why am i thinking of goodbye when i look at the pic of 4 of us?

Shopping

how could two new polo shirt mend a broken heart?
how could a 3 hour shopping spree lighten a shattered soul?

go ahead ask yourself
could it be possible
and i tell you that now i'm always wearing a smile!!!

capitalism can do wonder...

PELACUR!!!!!

hahaha...
heboh ya judul blog gue kali ini....

ini adalah sebuah statement yang dikeluarin oleh seorang istri (yang kebetulan beken seantero Indonesia) pada seorang perempuan yang baru dinikahi lagi oleh suaminya...

belakangan ini gue sering banget denger cacian-cacian seperti ini
Wanita bejat !!
adalah salah satu kata juga yang belakangan ini jadi beken (nah, kalo yang ini dikeluarkan oleh seorang pemuka masyarakat kepada seorang perempuan yang sedang berjuang agar konsep perempuan tidak sama dengan porno... i hope you got my drift....)

well, yang mau gue omongin bukan mengenai mereka (si istri dan pemuka masyarakat itu.. karena bisa-bisa gue dicokok!)
yang mau gue omongin adalah konsep kata 'pelacur' wanita bejat... wanita jalang... just to add 'em up aja...

di kepala gue ada pertanyaan..
mengapa konsep2 ini menjadi sebuah cacian...
ok mungkin kata bejat dan jalang itu emang udah merujuk kepada sesuatu yang negatif..
tapi pelacur?????

kok gue agak sebel yah dengernya...
emang apa salahnya seseorang melacur dan jadi pelacur...
it's just a job!!!
having sex with someone that pays for it...
sama aja sama jual jasa kan?

kenapa dia menjadi begitu hina?
padahal dalam hidup kita, kita sering juga melacurkan diri.
seorang teman gue pernah bilang 'ini tempat gue melacur' sambil memberikan kartu nama kantornya. Menurut dia, saat kita melakukan sesuatu yang tidak kita sukai dan dibayar karena pekerjaan itu.. namanya kita melacur.....

sebuah pengalaman pribadi pun terputar kembali di kepala gue.
dibayar dengan amplop tebal untuk sebuah tulisan yang gue malu mengakuinya, karena itu bukan gaya dan cara gue nulis....

dalam idup ini kita sering melacurkan diri...
liat yang simple2 aja...
jalan sama si A just for the sake of dapet title'punya pacar'
kawin sama si B karena umur sudah menjelang titik harus kawin...

well.. kalian bisa nambahin contoh yang lain, deh...
coz we're all (sepertinya) pelacur?
jadi untuk apa nuding-nuding orang lain pelacur dan merendahkan mereka
seharusnya kita menunduk malu dan merasa senasib dengan orang yang terbukti jelas melacur !

hiks2

blogwalking

belakangan ini gue doyan banget blogwalking (sebuah konsep yang ditulis sama temen gue yang menyatakan sebuah kegiatan melongok-longok--ini bahasa indonesia bukan ya?-- blog orang lain)

I had lotsa fun..
dari blog yang isinya cuma gambar 1 laki-laki yang ternyata adalah pasangannya
sampe blog yang isinya adalah cerita2 keren tentang film indonesia..

semuanya bikin gue bahagia..
tapi buruknya adalah...
gue jadi lupa nulis blog gue sendiri karena sibuk liat blog orang lain...
payah nih.....

you and me

why is it always you
everytime i'm in a waken state
everytime i try to close my eyes shut

you...
you....
and you...
pops up from the unknown

beating the sanity with in...
why is it always you ?
why is it always me?

AUGHHHH.....

sepertinya ada lagu dengan judul di atas ini...
sepertinya life imitates art kalo gitu...
gue lagi mau AUGHHHHH....
penyakit menyebalkan yaitu pilek datang ke gue
dan gue cuma bisa berharap dia hanya lewat saja...
karena penyakit ringan ini bisa bikin sistem berpikir jadi ancur berantakan...
padahal gue harus kerja...
hiks...

pagi ini gue udah minum vitamin C
makan pagi secukupnya dan ditambah 1/2 butir jeruk segar...

kaya itu cukup..
tapi kenapa di hidung gue masih ada rasa mengganggu
dan tenggorokan gue seperti gurun pasir yang kering rasanya...

waduh beneran nih....

nabung.. nabung.. nabung

belakangan ini nabung menjadi nama tengah gue...
no more drinking coffee in the cafe..
no more buying a book for the sake of buying a book..
no more buying CD for a sake of happiness...

yang ada hanyalah nabung-nabung...
hehehehe....

DAMN, Lagi bete, lagi !!!

sumpeh..
harusnya gue udah berkubang dalam air mata
dan terisak dalam kepiluan dalam...
tapi gue cuma bisa ketawa getir...

Damn...
Buku gue nggak jadi lahir tahun ini!

Buku yang udah gue persiapkan dari bulan Desember tahun lalu ini ternyata nasibnya tidak beruntung...
Dia terlempar dari deretan 'harus cetak sekarang' oleh publisher gue. Dan dengan itu airmata, khayalan, dan kerja keras gue tersisihkan oleh airmata, khayalan dan kerja keras orang lain...

emang kalo ngeliatnya dari sisi ini, gue seharusnya nggak marah.
dan emang gue nggak marah.....
other people deserve the brake, right?

gue cuma sedih...
kenapa nggak ada yang ngasih tahu gue mengenai hal ini...
kenapa orang merasa bahwa 'WHAT DETTA DOESN'T KNOW WON'T KILL HER'
padahal kalo akhirnya gue tahu
gue bakal sedih banget !!!!
dan orang itu akan tercoret dari daftar orang yang bisa tersenyum pada gue... (like that list exist!! hehehe)

well... sekarang gue lagi menikmati kebetean
dan kesedihan gue.... sendirian....

untung the long awaited sms kini sering datang,
jadi gue ada hal lain yang bisa menyita fokus pikiran gue.

Agatha....

udah beberapa hari yang lalu
gue teringat sama Agatha Christie idolaku....

kemarin dulu gue liputan di QB Pl. Semanggi
dan di tengah kebosenan gue,
tiba-tiba menemukan diri gue memandangi langit2 cafe itu..
dan there it was...
the face of Agatha Christie looking down at me smilling...
cie...

saat bosen dan a stupid question of' what the hell am i doing here..."
gue melihat Ms. Christie tersenyum...
lalu hati gue damai lagi...
i think i'm on the right track (with my new job and all) ...
thanks to Ms. Christie...
my guiding light

how many words do you use?

malam minggu kemarin
Vina dan Fitri terlibat dalam sebuah percakapan yang seru
dan I happen to be right in the middle of the conversation

well, begini isinya
menurut Vina jumlah kata yang kita keluarkan kepada seseorang menunjukkan hubungan kita dengan orang tersebut.
Semakin sedikit kata yang kita keluarkan ke orang itu untuk menggambarkan keinginan kita, semakin dekatnya kita dengan orang tersebut...

Fitri yang kelihatannya terpesona dengan analisis abal-abalnya Vina tiba-tiba menyeletuk...
" kalo gitu gue sama si jekri gue itim sekali dong hubungannya, lha wong gue kalo minta dijemput cuma tinggal telepon dan bilang 'bang, sekarang!'"

tinggal Vina yang bengong sambil memikirkan kembali di mana salah letak analisanya...
hehehhe...

maybe this story would come out as a joke for most of you
tapi hearing that story, gue merasa agak malu jaya..
karena never in my life have i felt the need to only speak in short sentences...
i love long detail sentences, so that people could grasp the message that i'm trying to send..

denger analisa Vina, tiba2 gue berfikir...
jadi selama ini gue nggak pernah ngerasa deket sama orang sampai pada titik dimana gue percaya bahwa hanya dengan sedikit kata orang itu akan mengerti gue....

waduh !