Maybe it's enough?

last nite a person who i believe is one of the smartest people in the planet told me
"Maybe being you is enough....."

felt like a tear ready to roll on my cheek, --sigh-- except there's a dirty old guitar playing an off key tune right on my right ear.

These words were said when i was at the lowest point of low.
Ready to give up coz i notice the score board of my life showed that the world wins by a landslide 10 to 0 against me... ... suddenly there a person saying --maybe being me is enogh to get through everything--

being stupid little old me is enough...
mmmm
either she's laying it on thick
or maybe i could get through this by being me..
maybe the world need a rejected items like me to balance the world.
Hey people can't be all smart, pretty and lucky, right?

do you believe in signs?

I'm the kind of person who reads horoscope but never truly believe in 'em.
I'm the kind of person who reads success story but never believe it could happen to me.
I'm the kind of person who loves romance but never truly belive it could happen in the real world.

guess to sum it all up... I'm a non-believer....
well, these past few years i found myself noticing small stuff that made me shiver.
I found out that my life was/is full of signs...
things that i didn't notice until at the end...
BAM.... it hits me in the face....

like for instance, i was accompanying my mom to a chinnese herb shop, and the owner took notice of me and started predicting something about a scholarship in Netherland for me... i just laught to be polite and never really took notice. until the day after that i went back to my school in Bandung and met a friend on the train.... and he gave me an application form for a scholarship from Netherland!!!!

I was, "what?" that's creepy.... i never have any intention of going to that place, so i just ignore it...

after that i keep noticing that lotsa sign were given to me...
i got my first job by applying to an ad in a wrinkled newspaper i'm suppose to throw away...
i got an application form for my master degree the day i was release from the hospital, coincidantely my hospital was across the street from the school and that day was suppose to be the last day to buy the application form......

and plenty more story after that. ....
I'm thankfull for those things, but it kindda freak me out when there's a lot of sign urging me to go to one direction where my heart, soul and body is going th other way...

for a non-beliver like me, all this add more pressure to my brain.....

mmmm....
why can't life be easier?

tarik napas dan tersenyumlah

gue baru kenalan sama olah tubuh yang namanya namanya yoga. dan
ternyata gokil, cara berpikir gue dan tingkat emosi gue jadi menyerupai
orang normal, sekarang. waktu dulu ada orang di kantor gue yang suka
bilang "in with anger, out with love...." Gue pikir omongan itu hanya
becandaan belaka, tapi setelah berkenalan benda bernama teknik
pernapasan dan yoga, gue mengerti bahwa hal itu ngga boong, lho....



sekarang gue tahu arti omongan the shooter 'life's a bitch, and then you die'

kalo akhirnya lo mati juga, why give a shit?

hahaha...... dan akhirnya damailah di hati dan surga di bumi.

peri kecil di dada

ada peri kecil yang nunggin di dada

selalu ngingetin gue bahwa masih ada dia

yang bisa bikin hari jadi tersenyum

saat semuanya keliatan abu-abu



... untuk hari2 melelahkan yang enggan beranjak dan membiarkan gue tersenyum sejenak....

dream a little dream

'If this this world makes you crazy and you've taken all you can bear....."  Cyndi Lauper lyric hits me where it really hurts the most... guess i've taken all that I could bear these day.....no more dreams .. abandon all hopes...

tapi ternyata sahabat masa lalu dengan entengnya ngingetin gue akan semua impian gue jaman dulu dan suddenly i realize i've achieved them all.. and here i'm living in my own dream...

ah... ternyata gue manusia biasa juga....yang lupa sama impian dulu, dan selalu berganti impian setelah satu demi satu impian itu tercapai..... hehehe....

obrolan tengah malam dengan dengan seorang sahabat yang selalu bakal nongkrong di ingatan gue bikin gue sadar... sudah cukuplah gue bermimpi... saat nya berhenti sejenak untuk nyium bunga mawar yang tumbuh di padang rumput dan nikmati hidup...

mmm... ternyata bertemu dengan sahabat lama bisa bikin kita sadar udah sejauh mana kita melangkah dari titik nol dulu,

thx sobat.....  

 

 

 

7.25 pm

7.25, still in front of the computer at my desk in my office .. trying to make the process of downloading move a bit faster....

augh......

only to find that the file went away to a better place where the good
files go when they've served the purpose... hahaha.... so i'm back down
loading all over again..... augh.....



listening to music that used to bring tears in my eyes blaring from the
stereo from across the room... hiks...hiks... could life be more
pathetic.... (oh yes they can! ) suddenly i found out that i couldn't
open my blog... i dunno why.... there goes years of my life down the
drain... phuey... pooo....



couldn't wait what more could life bring down on me....

well, all i could say is.. 'bring 'em on....' i think i could take it! i survived this far didn't i?

carpe diem

carpe diem..
because you are no freer than a slave crawling east across the deck of a ship sailing west,
because your life is just a series of absurd waiting periods, and because you'll before you are fully born ..


....nice words I got from my great teacher....

carpe diem

seize the day....i heard this line once in my early 20's,  from a movie called Dead Poet Society... I remember one of my good friend, who loved the movie, keep quoting the line to me (I think he thought that i was as smart as him and also, like him, i really understood the meaning of the word,,,,boy was he ever so wrong....hehehe). But in reality i havent the faintest idea what the word ment.... I always thought that it ment catch the opportunity or make your decision now.... or something like that... but actually it never dawn to me what making decision is.... BUT THAT WAS THEN, I WAS YOUNG AND FOOLISH....

Now.. I'm old and (still) foolish... but i think i understand a bit what carpe diem means (and so i thought).  it's about me making meaning in my own life.... and i didin't figure this all by my foolish self... i got a big help from a friend.. who just seize her day.. making her own future...

I envy her and wish her the best of luck, hoping one day i got her nerve of still and seize my own day....

(gosh..i'm getting misty typing this.... so i guess i better stop, coz it will be weird crying in an internet cafe alone on a saturday nite....hehehe)

 

 

 

PRTL (please read this lightly)

hehehehe....
today i wanna rite something i've been meaning 2 rite 4 a long time...
abbriviation!
kambing jaya benda ini....
i dont really understand why people like 2 use it so much...

i'll give you an illustration...
i was at the bank a week ago, and i ask one of the customer service about an account that i just opened...
i was asking a simple question (mind you it was a simple yes/no question)...
but what do i get?

XPLT -nya itu baru keluar nanti kalao GKL nya sudah di approve ....

what?????
my jaw dropped listening to this pretty littl' thing talking in alien language...

and the funny part is.. this happens to me alot..
people loves to speak in abbr. around me..

first i didn't notice it, but after awhile... i found myself getting everything mixed up ...

my my head is too small to hold that amount of information..
maybe i should go around wearing a sign that said.. please talk in simple language, no brain inside!

ahhhhh....
why do people have to make it so hard for me to have a simple life?

simple being cheesy

”
Katanya sih, rasa ini sebenernya bisa ilang dengan cepat ..
Katanya sih, pertama ’lo bakal lupa sama warna matanya,
Terus tiba-tiba ’lo mendapati diri lo lupa sama gaya rambutnya .
Dan selanjutnya bener-bener nggak inget lagi sama bau badannya...
Sampai akhirnya ’lo sendiri ’nggak tahu siapa dia dan apa perannya dalam hidup ’lo sebelumnya..
dan cuma bisa terpana ngeliat fotonya tersimpan di kotak merah rahasia ’lo yang ada di sudut gelap lemari ’lo....

Katanya sih begitu....
Tapi kenapa kadang gue masih menggumamkan nama dia pada hembusan angin sore
Hanya karena mulut gue rindu ngucapin namanya !

”
(hahaha)
gokil, sabtu siang, setelah hujan... gue nulis ini di tengah kebosanan melanda kehidupan, hanya karena teringat sama filmnya Meg Ryan berjudul FRENCH KISS.....

aih... mati !

semoga yang baca nggak pada muntah jaya, baca entri gue kali ini...
===bagaimana 'lo, phien?=====

Courage

one commercial in Indonesian tele told us that courage doesn't mean you have to have long hair, big body and a big harley motor to drive around in... courage , they say, ment you are brave enough to date the girl who has a dady with long hari, big body and big harley in the backyard... hehehhe....

for me, courage means have a strong will to make a decision and stand up for it in front of everybody who doesn't believe your choice

ha!
that's courage
for me ..

why do they bother?

reading the newspaper and watching the morning news....
thats me every morning.

this morning was no different.
read the news and listen to it at the same time.

but my eyes got distracted by the 'your opinion' in Kompas...
ndilalah... (sorry force of habit being a Javanesse)
the TV that I was listenng to was Metro, and Editorial was on...

Ok, now i'm reading people pouring their heart out in Kompas and listenin to the same kind of whinning in TV... hahaha what a morning....

onr thing that cross my mind was...
DAMN, why do all these people bother to call and tell their proplems to all the people out there, when they know they wouldn't get any solution at all !!!!

i take my hat off to those people that still believe that other people still cares and the media can work wonder !

hahaha...
this is not the cafein talking, just me.

Anak tiri

multiply gue mulai ramai dan banyak dibaca orang

(angka lebih dari satu bagi gue, dapat didefinisikan dengan kata banyak),

padahal benda ini gue buat for the sake gue bisa nulis reply di multiplynya herdi...

ah... life is weird that way!

dan akhir cerita adalah blog gue di nadetta.blogspot jadi merasa dia
dianak tirikan, karena dia cuma punya satu pembaca setia....



hehehe...



konsep anak tiri ini melekat di kepala gue tadi malem and i can't shake it off..

buku yang dikasih pinjem herdi (falling leaves)  bikin gue berlinangan air mata....

kisah tentang seorang anak perempuan yang tertindas berlapis-lapis... (how sad can you go?)

sama ibu tirinya karena dia anak tiri (lho)

sama  bapaknya karena dia adalah alasan kenapa ibu aslinya meninggal

sama kakaknya  karena dia bungsu



gokil !

kalau gue jadi anak itu semua orang udah gue gebukin jaya!

sumpe jadi emosi pisan euy!

paling ndak tega liat anak kecil di perlakukan tidak semena-mena

why do you want to have children when you don't know how to treat them!



wah lega deh..

gue .......

empty pages

blank pieces of paper
no word, sentence, piece of mind
just blank
staring back
waiting wanting to mean something

but the hand
the mind
the person
has no more strength to write
waiting wanting a blast to turn the life around

maybe then
writing can come
feeling can flow...

but no body knows when....

In Her Shoes

tadi malem gue baru nonton film ini dan cerita dalam film ini nonjok gue sampai gue berdarah-darah sendiri.
cerita sederhana tentang hubungan adik dan kakak perempuan...
wah....
emang sepertinya film ini was ment to be a cheesy film tapi ada beberapa kalimat dalam film ini yang menohok gue....

sebuah pertanyaan mengenai... what keeps you together, ditanyakan oleh seorang calon suami kepada calon istrinya. Si laki2 itu bercerita bahwa yang 'keep' dia together (dalam kamus gue 'sanity') adalah his job (he's a lawyer with long hours) food (dia suka banget nyoba makanan aneh2 sehingga bisa menebak makanan kesukaan seseorang just by knowing their personalty) dan basketball.....

waktu pertanyaan itu mencuat, i have to think so very hard to find my answers...
what keeps me together?
my friends ? ndak
my books? nope
my films? ndak juga
my writings? sepertinya bukan
jadi apa..
sepertinya kalau gue udah bisa nemuin jawaban akan pertanyaan ini... my soul searching days are over... and then i'll be sane again...

ouch....
what do you think?

porn

What is it with indonesian and porn?

we are known for our politeness, but what happen when our inner selves  got the  best of us?

a string of amateur porn is born...

no matter how old, young, you are .. no matter in which part of the country you live in...

indonesian (in my personal opinion) are still intrigued with sex!



so why can't we all come clean?

Bakpau

makanan yang katanya berasal dari daratan Cina belakangan ini menggangu pikiran gue..
I'm craving for one hot white bun of Bakpau.. dan karena gue lagi menolak untuk makan daging... well, yang kepikiran di kepala gue adalah bakpau putih halus berisis kacang yang hitam.. yummy....

waduh.....
setelah gue pulang ngajar di menteng rasa craving itu menggila di lidah gue...
karena biasanya tukang bakpao berjualan di dekat gereja, akhirnya gue kembali ke SMA gue di Kemanggisan scouting tukang jualan bakpao.. setelah melewati jalan yang penuh dengan mobil yang parkir (karena gereja jam 5 baru mulai) ternyata the tukang bakpao is no where in sight... sigh...

sampai senin pagi ini that craving belum terpuaskan... hehehe....
ada yang tahu tempat bakpao enak dekat kantor gue di kuningan?

BERANTAKAN!

udah hampir 2 minggu gue jadi vegetarian.. (don't ask me why! coz you wouldn't understand it, if i told you)
well... semua orang sedikit kagum sama konsistensi gue untuk hal ini... (secara gue orang anti komitment dalam bentuk apa pun)

tapi apa yang terjadi hari ini.. jumat pukul 10 pagi tanggal 1 desember.. setelah jakarta diguyur hujan pagi nan romantis dan AC kantor yang sedingin kutub utara... gue dihadapkan dengan perut kosong dan risoles ragoet yang hangat di depan muka... nyam-nyam... dua kali gue menghindar dan memilih makan soes instead.. tapi rasanya risoles itu memanggil2 nama gue.... menurut mereka (sang risoles) they just wanted to warm my empty tummy, so that i could work better !!! (aren't they nice?) jadi akhirnya gue kalah.. gue termakan rayuan mereka... akhirnya.. akhirnya .. gue meraih kehangatan sang risoles...

ah..... habislah detta tanpa daging hanya karena godaan risoles hangat itu...
ah......
mau malu...
gue masih jadi cewek yang gampang di goda.....
aih.. malu gue...

kalau mungkin

kalau waktu bisa bersabar
kalau takdir punya sedikit hati
kalau tawa bisa selamanya
kalau tangis tidak terasa memilukan

mungkin hari ini, minggu ini, bulan ini, tahun ini.....
tidak akan terjadi .....

time to fall in love

sebuah cerita dari kota bernama Jakarta....

pagi 8 pagi,
panas dan lembab seperti pagi-pagi lain di kota ini.
tiba2 sebuah pemandangan menggetarkan hati melintas di hadapan mata

dari jendela bus yang cukup penuh
dua sosok sedang berjalan menyusuri sidewalk di ujung Gatot Subroto, bergandengan.
Ah...
indahnya.....

dua orang itu sudah menikah cukup lama
berjalan berdua sambil bergandengan
bercanda tanpa melepaskan tangan pasangannya dari genggaman...

oooo...
that's love rite there.

watching that from a far
i felt my heart lighten...
one smile appeared after a long time of being sadden by the way of the world....

thank you (the both of you)
for making my usual boring long Friday sees glimps of hope that life is OK after all....


--thanks buat mas pri dan mbak hera atas pemandangan yang indahnya di pagi hari---